40 ways to mess with a bad waiter.
# Speak too fast.
# Speak too quietly.
# Have a friend seduce the waiter and collect a sperm sample. On your next visit to the restaurant, deposit on your Caesar's salad and call the police.
# Leave only a 10% tip. And while you're at it, douse it with lye and industrial-strength rat poison.
# Call the waitress "sir".
# Order the five most expensive entrees on the menu and request that they be pureed together and served with a straw.
# Look at a reflection of the waitress in a pocket mirror or silver utensil, rather than directly into her eyes. After ordering, ask her where she gets her snakes done.
# Order five cups of regular coffee and one cup of decaffeinated coffee. Play a shell game with them and ask the waiter to tell you which is which.
# Address the waiter by the name of "sweet cheeks".
# Leave the outer edge of your plate smeared with syrup.
# Ask what's so special about the day's specials. When you get a satisfactory answer, ask the waiter to repeat the specials in perpetuity. Do not stop asking until you are physically thrown out of the restaurant.
# Insist that the waiter brush his teeth before talking to you again.
# Complain that your fork isn't concave enough to eat your soup with.
# Wear a walkman and read a newspaper at your table, completely ignoring the waiter. If he or she taps you to get your attention, swat off their hand.
# Ask your waiter if there's a "better waiter" that could serve you instead.
# Leave a pool of liquid on your seat.
# Tell the waitress that you've heard that some waitresses moonlight as prostitutes. Ask if she knows whether any of the other waitresses will go home with you, or if you're stuck with her.
# Place your order while blowing bubbles into a glass of milk.
# Submerse a sweaty gym sock in your bowl of French onion soup and make a complaint.
# Order everything on the menu one item at a time.
# Ask the waitress how much of a tip she thinks she deserves. Demand that she give you a specific percentage. If she complies, yell "WRONG" in the most irritating voice you can manage. If she feels awkward about naming her own tip, tell her that you do, too, so you'll just "skip that part".
# Tell the waitress she's too old for a good tip.
# Tell the waiter to hold your mobile phone while you're in the bathroom. Go to a payphone and alert a female accomplice to place a call to your mobile phone. Have her blurt out the following before immediately hanging up: "I just talked to your little whore! You better be wearing a bullet-proof vest tonight!"
# Tell the waiter that your conversation will be recorded for quality assurance purposes.
# Order nothing but bread and water. If the waitress tells you that you have to order an entree, tell her that she has two choices. Either she lets you eat nothing but bread and water, in which case you'll consider giving her a very nice tip, or she forces you to order an entree and she gets zip.
# Ask the waiter not to point his erection at you.
# Ask what year it is.
# After getting your bill, casually say "Well, I guess I'll be washing dishes tonight." Then take a container of dish soap out of your bag and head to the kitchen.
# Tell the waitress that you've been a bad boy, and wink.
# Tell the waitress that you're trying to lose weight, and ask if there's another waitress who might be able to provide more motivation for doing so.
# Smoke in the nonsmoking section. When asked to extinguish your cigarette, politely walk over to the smoking section. Standing just inside it, blow smoke as hard as you can into the nonsmoking section. Repeat aloud: "**** with the best, die like the rest."
# Load your wallet with a half-dozen photos of children. Recount to the waitress the graphic stories of each of your children's fatal "accidents". Ask the waitress whether she has any children. Or if she knows where you can find some.
# Ask the waiter if he's interested in becoming a porno star. When he questions why you ask, laugh and tell him you're just kidding, and that you've seen "the pictures going around the Internet".
# Ask the waitress what a girl like her is doing in a place like this. Ask her if her boss is a masochist.
# Promise you'll pay for your meal "next time".
# Tell the waiter that you're teaching a course on becoming a better waiter, and that you'll gladly give him 25% off his first lesson.
# Ask if "anyone else" from the Fodor's staff has eaten at the restaurant recently. Then, frowning, ask for the exact spelling if the waiter's last name.
# Tell the waiter that you intend to treat him like shit for the remainder of the meal. Mention that you're a professional chemist, and that if you detect anything unusual in your food, you will personally send a letter bomb to his mother. Postage due.