[ZED SLED]

A few ways to deal with telemarketers:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever
pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my
eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the
sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few
seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" (*I
dont think Sprint will ever call me back!*)

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is
this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this
will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can
keep going until they hang up.

7. If Sprint calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends
plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any
friends...would you be my friend?" *MY FAVORITE*

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's
fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They
get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card
number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call
at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel."