Joke tellin' page

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Thought it would be fun! I DO NOT want to piss anyone off... SO everyone keep it clean!

I will start! HAVE FUN!!!

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, dey ain't twins. Dis one's 9, and dat one's 7. Why the hell you'd think they twins? You blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work... (got this in an email lol Sounds like Walter from Jeff Dunham! lol)

[Havok]

What kind of bee's make milk?

Boo bees.

[The Reaper]

Kinda long but here goes...

A woman at the Doctor's office is complaining about her and her husbands sex life being so bad. The doctor tells her 'well have your husband come in and see me about some Viagra, it has helped alot of couples.' She says 'no that won't work, he wont take any pills not even tylenol, and he won't even talk about it.' Well the doctor says here's what I'll do, I have a sample pack of viagra...you take one , slip it into his morning coffee and try that. About a week later the lady is back at the Dr. complaining. He asked 'are you telling me that Viagra did not work?' She replied 'No it worked, I slipped one in his coffee like you said and about 15 minutes later he grabbed me, threw me on the table and we had the Best Sex Ever!!! The Dr. confused then asked 'well what have you to complain about?' She answered...

Well I can't show my face in Starbucks Again!!!!!!!!!!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

ROFL!!!

After many years of drawing a check, a guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his latest check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You're yankin my leg!"

The social worker said, "Yea, well... but you started it."

[guiLT]

[Mark A Collier Sr]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.


The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,


'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,


'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,


'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)




'Only when he's been drinking'.

["prima"Donna]

[guiLT]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.


The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,


'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,


'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,


'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)




'Only when he's been drinking'.

GREAT JOKE!!!

[Iwantone2]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.


The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,


'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,


'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,


'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)




'Only when he's been drinking'.

This made me clench my fists!!!!

:belly roll:

[shank0668]

lol

[PQ]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ....

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

[guiLT]

Originally Posted by PQ

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ....

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

[Iwantone2]

Originally Posted by PQ

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ....

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

Oldie but goodie!!!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Very Funny! Come on people!!!! Lets get this rollin!

Originally Posted by PQ

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ....

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.