Stepson in trouble....

[Hired Gun]

I did not read all the responses to this. However being a school administrator I see this some. Granted I am in an elementary setting. I look at the kids past history. If it is a one time thing I keep the knife and let the parents know they will not get it back. I then at the end of the year sell it and all funds go into the office account for items to use for school rewards.

If he is a repeat offender of things then they get punished to the fullest. If it means a year out then so be it we have to have safe schools and a safe haven for all.

If you want to scare him, take him to a prison for a tour. Yes they have them and yes they are affective.

[Ladybugsmom]

Originally Posted by Russell James

First of all, the school bus driver should be fired.

I mean how big of an offense would it take for her to actually report something like she is supposed to. It was a fricken deadly weapon. Principle and police should have been called immediately. If that never happened, it should happen now.

Instead of worrying about additional expense for the other parents if this kid is out of school, you should be worrying about their kids getting killed by a weapon being brought to school. What if one of their kids brought a weapon to school? Would you call the police? I would in a heartbeat, and they'd better get there quick because the little felon would be in a headlock begging for mommy.

That kid should never step foot in that school again. Period. End of story.

Hey - I'm the stepmom, and I'm the one saying he SHOULD get expelled, even if it means I'm going to pay extra for a kid that's not mine! It's lack of real-life consequences that has turned today's young society into what it is, IMHO...
I don't think the spanking he got last night had any impact on him, except maybe a bruise on his butt cheek, that's why I was against that form of punishment. He doesn't seem to care about being "grounded" - he's perfectly content watching paint dry. Physical labor? Well, I've got a heck of a lot of yard work to be done, but he's in decent shape for a 12 year old, he won't care...
I've got to convince my husband and his ex wife of a really good way to make the kid CARE about what he's done... Carrying a weapon to school is NOT OK. But then, it's really up to them, I've got no REAL impact.

[Ladybugsmom]

Hired Gun, thanks for a school admin perspective! My stepson is in 6th grade, which is still elementary school here. I think part of why the bus driver didn't just turn him in is because he's usually a pretty good kid. But, his grades have been slipping, his attitude has gone downhill, and now this. It's spiralling down quickly. I think the district has a zero tolerance policy, so if the school does get involved, it's first strike you're out... I don't know - I suggested having him confess to the principal, and begging for detention for the rest of the year, that idea was shot down...

[Dr Jkel]

Originally Posted by Ladybugsmom

Hey - I'm the stepmom, and I'm the one saying he SHOULD get expelled, even if it means I'm going to pay extra for a kid that's not mine! It's lack of real-life consequences that has turned today's young society into what it is, IMHO...
I don't think the spanking he got last night had any impact on him, except maybe a bruise on his butt cheek, that's why I was against that form of punishment. He doesn't seem to care about being "grounded" - he's perfectly content watching paint dry. Physical labor? Well, I've got a heck of a lot of yard work to be done, but he's in decent shape for a 12 year old, he won't care...
I've got to convince my husband and his ex wife of a really good way to make the kid CARE about what he's done... Carrying a weapon to school is NOT OK. But then, it's really up to them, I've got no REAL impact.

He doesn't have to CARE, you just have to make him wished he had cared. But I understand you are in a bad position. True society is more worried about their feeling etc... bull lack of consequences to their action is the reason this country is in the shape it is in now, but I digress.

I duuno, is like F-you from a kid and we all know it. The only thing that changes behavior is pain, not always physical but pain none the less. Get into HIS value system whatever that is. He values something, he like something, he wants something and take it away until he complies.

[Dr Jkel]

Originally Posted by Ladybugsmom

Hired Gun, thanks for a school admin perspective! My stepson is in 6th grade, which is still elementary school here. I think part of why the bus driver didn't just turn him in is because he's usually a pretty good kid. But, his grades have been slipping, his attitude has gone downhill, and now this. It's spiralling down quickly. I think the district has a zero tolerance policy, so if the school does get involved, it's first strike you're out... I don't know - I suggested having him confess to the principal, and begging for detention for the rest of the year, that idea was shot down...

By what you just wrote there is an issue. I am no Psychologist but these are classic signs. He is calling out for something, mad at the world, hates his life scared at school, girl troubles,or whatever but something is eating at this kid.

[Ladybugsmom]

Originally Posted by Dr Jkel

He doesn't have to CARE, you just have to make him wished he had cared. But I understand you are in a bad position. True society is more worried about their feeling etc... bull lack of consequences to their action is the reason this country is in the shape it is in now, but I digress.

I duuno, is like F-you from a kid and we all know it. The only thing that changes behavior is pain, not always physical but pain none the less. Get into HIS value system whatever that is. He values something, he like something, he wants something and take it away until he complies.

Girls, and being big man on campus. We gotta take him down a notch. Getting expelled and having to repeat the grade would do that, IMO. But it's just my opinion, and his biological parents disagree...

[Dave Coyle]

Originally Posted by Stingr69

He's 12 - you don't spank a 12 yr old.

They don't listen much at this point. The school did not find it so they can't do anything and it would have NO EFFECT on him at all if they did find it and deal out the punnishment. It only hurts the parents.

That said, here we go - I would advise you need to take a double dose of self control and talk with him calmly at the table. Explain the issue and stress the consequences if this happens again. Tell him about how you will feel if he does this again and how it will put a burden on all of you because of his disrespect for the rules. You need to get your point across to him that this is not acceptable and that he is responsible for his actions. Either he cares about you, or he does not. If he gets the message then fine. If he does not get the message, then you will have to let this all play out.

He either gets it now or he gets it later.

Be strong!

-Mark.

I agree with this person, at 12, he is too old to spank!!! It will only make him "withdraw" from you more!!! You need to set down and CALMLY talk to him, no one should be aloud to yell. One thing that I missed was "why did he take the knife to school in the first place!!" That question would scare me more than just knowing that he did take it to school. My son was 13 when he took a pocket knife to school and he did get caught with it and was suspended for 3 days to which he cleaned the yard up (spring cleaning) did dishes, laundry, anything we could think of for those 3 days. He just forgot to take it out of his pocket before going to school and really had no intention of using it on anyone!!! He learned a good lesson. I am no "pro" with kids and the troubles they hold inside but I do know that children from split up homes do tend to "act out" in different ways to get attention with hope that the parents will actually see what is really bothering them. Please for his sake, talk to him and REALLY LET HIM TALK AND YOU LISTEN to what he is saying.
Good luck to you and don't give up on him, he will get past what ever is bugging him with your LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.

[Ladybugsmom]

Originally Posted by Dave Coyle

I agree with this person, at 12, he is too old to spank!!! It will only make him "withdraw" from you more!!! You need to set down and CALMLY talk to him, no one should be aloud to yell. One thing that I missed was "why did he take the knife to school in the first place!!" That question would scare me more than just knowing that he did take it to school. My son was 13 when he took a pocket knife to school and he did get caught with it and was suspended for 3 days to which he cleaned the yard up (spring cleaning) did dishes, laundry, anything we could think of for those 3 days. He just forgot to take it out of his pocket before going to school and really had no intention of using it on anyone!!! He learned a good lesson. I am no "pro" with kids and the troubles they hold inside but I do know that children from split up homes do tend to "act out" in different ways to get attention with hope that the parents will actually see what is really bothering them. Please for his sake, talk to him and REALLY LET HIM TALK AND YOU LISTEN to what he is saying.
Good luck to you and don't give up on him, he will get past what ever is bugging him with your LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.

We're still getting the "I dunno" answer... He stole the knife from his mom's car. The reason? "I liked it and wanted it" After the "I dunno" answer, then the "I forgot it was in my backpack" started. I called on that one, because he remembered it enough to flash it around on the bus, then immediately hide it in his room when he got home... I agree that something is going on in his head, just gonna take some time to get through the thick skull and find out.

[Iroczlover]

Originally Posted by Ladybugsmom

Ya think???? He was a problem when he was younger, neither parent would discipline him, I actually went so far as to kick my hubby and him out of my house (this was before we were married) partly because of his behavior! I thought he had changed his ways once he got into football, he really was behaving well. Then, raging hormones kicked in and the ONLY thing he worries about is impressing girls - not in the right ways, apparently...

Originally Posted by Ladybugsmom

I told my husband about some of the replies to my post, especially the military school part, and he said "No, he'd actually LIKE it!" He used to say he wanted to be a Navy SEAL, so maybe he would like it - but I have to agree with at least considering the option, because he wouldn't be the tough guy for very long.....

Originally Posted by Steve Dallas

Send him to military school...

The whole Idea of sending him to military school is a good idea but as with my son I have been threating that for years.

OK this may sound odd, now that you are members of the club, start bringing him around. I mean Really around most so when My daughter is around. they are the same age & I can tell you that she will do one of two things when he trys this stuff with her, Either kick his a$$ (she is Martial arts trained) or ignore him. & with my son around to help, he can show your son how to impress the girls with out getting in to trouble. lol.

I know my son has his problems but one of his good qualities is that hes a leader & he loves to teach other people.

Also getting him around people who like some of our members will treat him as an equal may help as well.

I have never had a step child, but I was once one.(lets not go into that one lol)

try being a mother to him when hes around. you may not be able to spank the kids butt, but you can give him what for. I dont care what the courts say about step parents, But if you have a Firm hand on things & use that hand, then maybe not now but when he grows up, he would thank you for it.

[Dave Coyle]

Try this one with him, set in front of him, you in a chair and him in a chair facing each other. Let him know that you will set there looking at eachother for as long as it takes until he tells you exactly what is bothering him. DO NOT CRITISIZE any thing he may say. Just ask this question over and over in a calm voice until he is ready to tell you what is bugging him, "I want to help you and I will listen, what is really bugging you?" I am a foster parent and this helps on some kids, it may take 1/2 hour to really get him to trust you are willing to listen to him but once he opens up to the truth (if he will) both of you will get along better and have a better grasp on how each other feels.
Good luck with him, he is at an age where he wants to become his own person!!

[FastEddie]

Originally Posted by Ladybugsmom

I was just doing some online research on military schools and things like the boot camp style places to send misbehavin' kids. The closest all boys military school is in southern California, and it's $32k per year... While I think it would be good for him, I'm not so sure it's feasible at that price.....

GIVE THE BOY TO ME. I WILL FINISH HIS TRAINING

[cab2g]

This is what you do. Take everything he owns and loves out of his room. Even his clothes. Go buy some generic crappy clothes and shoes and make him wear that to school for a month as punishment. If he's at all concerned about being cool, this will be a huge punishment to him.

Spanking does no good at an older age and it just makes the kid angrier. They'll feel "punished" if they lose all their stuff. Trust me, had it happen to me once in 5th grade, I behaved for a whole year, I swear! And from then on just the threat of losing my things made me behave!

If you give him an allowance, cut it to zero or if he needs some to buy lunch give him much less than normal.

[Epitaph]

I think that everyone needs to remember that he is only in the 6th grade. He's a child. Military school for taking a knife to school? Seriously? Kids do crap like this all of the time, it's just that it's not announced to the world unless admin or other parents find out. You just need to find out the real reason for him doing it. How about some Counseling sessions along with some after school activities? Maybe: he isn't getting enough interaction with his dad, he's being bullied, he's dealing with his sexual orientation. I'm not saying it's one of those or all of them, but there's a reason behind his rebelliousness. Do him and you (parents) a favor by taking him to a psychiatrist or something. Going to a psychiatrist is nothing out of the ordinary, in fact - more people need to do it.

[Ladybugsmom]

Thank you all sooooooooo much for your input on this. It gives us a lot to think about, and a lot of options to try. I'll share all of your suggestions with my husband when he gets home today.
In the short time I've been a member of C5, I feel like you've all become my extended family. You all have such great advice, on more than just cars! Thank you!!!