So I'm trying to sell on craigslist...

[Atlas]

But to no avail. Anyway, I have this Gears of War Lancer replica. It's three freaking feet long!! Still, no one wants it. I even get the occasional scam email. So, since I don't have a girlfriend or even money to pay for sex, I do the next best thing. I write.

It's kind of a long read, but I hope you enjoy.


*original email starts at the very bottom, ending with my reply at the top. I'm Ken. The buyer is alias Don Ronnie*

Hello Don,

The deal sounds good! Unfortunately there has been....a slight mishap since we last spoke. A few days ago I was contacted by a young man who was interested in the Lancer. We agreed to meet at a local coffee shop for small talk and to make the transaction. Upon meeting this young man I discovered that he was not a young man at all, but an alien.

Not from this world, he contested, but he needed the lancer to aid in the war against the greys. His name was Duddits. He claimed to be a warrior for his species. He swore to his people that he would end the war against the greys and bring piece to their sector of the universe. To do that, he needed a weapon. He needed my Lancer.

You see, the combination of a chainsaw and machine gun is a new concept to their race. Primarily, their weapons consisted of faggey lasers and some hocus pocus they claim as telekinesis. We on earth know it as the force. Like the Jedi used in the old world. Of course, everyone knows that the force is worthless against good ole 'merican .223 Remington.

Anyway, Duddits was adamant on obtaining the lancer and destroying the greys. I was more than happy to help. Unfortunately duddits only had a money order, and I only take cash. Duddits tried to offer a trade in place of money. He offered me eternal life. I told him that was the last thing I wanted. That sometimes, I kind of wanted to die. Duddits was confused.

He countered with a beautiful woman. He would grant me the love of the most beautiful girl of my choosing. At first I was intrigued. There was this one girl...the one I knew I would never have. No matter what. Then reality hit me. How much would it cost to keep this girl? To keep her happy? To give her everything she deserves? No, I could spend my money on better things. Like cheap sex with dirty hookers. So, I of course refused.

And duddits, he was confused.

His patience short, and his temper flaring, he transformed into his combat form. Everyone in the coffee shop shit bricks. The barista literally blew her top in symphony with those of the cappacino machines. Duddits wanted that lancer.

Knowing that I stood between him and the weapon that would inevitably save his people, duddits charged with a fury of ten thousand -no, one hundred million stars!!!

Of course I was terrified. Then I remembered the lancer. I remembered, it had a ****ing chainsaw.

I fired that bad boy up and revved it, brandishing the rows of reciprocating teeth at duddits. That alien son of a bitch. I'm an American and he would dare to fight ME?

I uttered the words that I've been waiting my whole life to say.
"You want it? Come and get it mother****er!"

We danced a Waltz set to the concerto of death. He ducked, I dodged. His claws met my chainsaw blade and be we became locked. Two corpses, one grave. He fought for his people. His planet. For peace. I fought for my $200 or best offer.

And goddamn it, I wanted my money.

Pressing into his grip, my chainsaw blades chipping away at the cuticle that once was sharpened death, I carved my name into his ****ing chest.

Duddits was dead.

Standing in the coffee shop, with gazes of the innocent bystanders like lasers, locked in disbelief of the carnage they'd just been privy too, they were speechless.

"sorry about the mess." All I could say. It took every fiber in my body not to break down and dance like it was my ****ing birthday, and my opening present was a blowjob from Megan Fox.

I packed my now bloodied lancer up in it's original NECA box, and walked out of that coffee shop like a boss.

Anyway, long story short, the lancer is no longer for sale. I've decided to keep it. Just in case duddits' friends or family shows up wanting retribution. Or the greys. I'll be ready for those double mint dicks as well....


Cheers,

-K

--- On Wed, 11/2/11, Don Ronnie <d[redacted]@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Don Ronnie <d[redacted]@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Gears of War Lancer Replica - $200 (redacted)
To: "Ken [redacted]" <[redacted]@yahoo.com>
Date: Wednesday, November 2, 2011, 4:39 AM

Hello
Thanks for your mail and am glad to know that the items still available..The price of the item is fair to me and i wouldn't want to loose it so it would be my pleasure to add another $20 to the asking price so you can sell the item to me and also tell other interested parties that it has been sold to avoid competitions. I don't have much time to come over to take a look because of my Business i have limited time, i am a business Man with different allocations,i am ready to Issue out money order to you as the Mode of Payment but i need you to get back with your full details as

1)Full name for Payment -

2)Full Address -

3)city

4)State -

5)zip code -

6) cell or home Phone Number

I will be waiting to get those info's from you later today so i can send out the money order to you immediately, Please don't bother yourself about the pick up, i know a forwarding courier in your state, they will handle the pick up immediately you inform me that you got your money order cash, then i will contact them to come for the pick up of the item at your location at your own best time....
I will be waiting for your quick response tomorrow latest.

Stay Bless
Happy Halloween

From: Ken [redacted] <Redacted>
To: d]redacted]@yahoo.com
Sent: Sunday, October 30, 2011 5:30:36 PM
Subject: Re: Gears of War Lancer Replica - $200 (Redacted)

Yes it is. If you're interested shoot me a text/call at (redacted)

- Ken


On Sun Oct 30th, 2011 4:58 AM PDT Don wrote:

>** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
>** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
>** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
>** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams
>
>
>
> Still available??
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------

[anglwngss]

hahaha.. OMG. That was a riot!! Thanks!

[Taintedveins]

Don't sell it! Saw some going for around 200 dollars just to be re sold for 600!

[PoorMansCamaro]

I'll take the lancer.

[a_Username]

LOL

[insidethreat07]

Awesome. I love it

[The Stig]

If you haven't sold it I'll take this all powerful lancer

[bhall82]

Hahahhaa man do you have some time on your hands. Either way awesome story and epic as hell none the less

[Decibel JJ]

Good story but I don't need to buy the lancer. I have a all powerful shirt to protect me

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/cr/B000N...0276721&sr=8-1

[Atlas]

Thanks you guys! Sometimes you just gotta let your mind run and hope your fingers can keep up Yes the lancer is all powerful I'm surprised no one got the Stephen King reference yet

Originally Posted by Taintedveins

Don't sell it! Saw some going for around 200 dollars just to be re sold for 600!

I know! That turnaround is ridiculous. I'm just trying to realistic.

Originally Posted by PoorMansCamaro

I'll take the lancer.

The allure of the Chainsaw gun is strong. Pm me if you want it

Originally Posted by Decibel JJ

Good story but I don't need to buy the lancer. I have a all powerful shirt to protect me

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/cr/B000N...0276721&sr=8-1

Whoa, that shirt is boss

[Decibel JJ]

Originally Posted by Decibel JJ

Good story but I don't need to buy the lancer. I have a all powerful shirt to protect me

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/cr/B000N...0276721&sr=8-1

BTW, Read the customer reviews if you don't get it

[Atlas]

Originally Posted by Decibel JJ

BTW, Read the customer reviews if you don't get it

Oh I read them Freaking hilarious! Thanks!