Something to make you laugh!!!

[guiLT]

Originally Posted by Iwantone2

As someone said before:

This thread FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!

[Tessa]

Just gets better...

[Tessa]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Treefrog]

Why the chicken crossed the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on
the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken
to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure
right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that
he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the
price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how
it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together,
in peace.

BILL GATES:I have just released eChicken2008, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the
Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[TXCammy]

Originally Posted by guiLT

I should hide my face from society now... I feel so stupid.

Are u blonde?

[guiLT]

Originally Posted by TXCammy

Are u blonde?

....no..

[Treefrog]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, grandfather is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the shopping cart, and grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."

[Tessa]

Keeps getting better....

[guiLT]

These are form the other joke thread. These are F.U.N.N.Y.!!!

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

Thought it would be fun! I DO NOT want to piss anyone off... SO everyone keep it clean!

I will start! HAVE FUN!!!

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, dey ain't twins. Dis one's 9, and dat one's 7. Why the hell you'd think they twins? You blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work... (got this in an email lol Sounds like Walter from Jeff Dunham! lol)

Originally Posted by The Reaper

Kinda long but here goes...

A woman at the Doctor's office is complaining about her and her husbands sex life being so bad. The doctor tells her 'well have your husband come in and see me about some Viagra, it has helped alot of couples.' She says 'no that won't work, he wont take any pills not even tylenol, and he won't even talk about it.' Well the doctor says here's what I'll do, I have a sample pack of viagra...you take one , slip it into his morning coffee and try that. About a week later the lady is back at the Dr. complaining. He asked 'are you telling me that Viagra did not work?' She replied 'No it worked, I slipped one in his coffee like you said and about 15 minutes later he grabbed me, threw me on the table and we had the Best Sex Ever!!! The Dr. confused then asked 'well what have you to complain about?' She answered...

Well I can't show my face in Starbucks Again!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

ROFL!!!

After many years of drawing a check, a guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his latest check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You're yankin my leg!"

The social worker said, "Yea, well... but you started it."

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.


The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,


'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,


'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,


'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)




'Only when he's been drinking'.