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Old 11-30-2008, 04:29 PM   #1
TRIXXTERR
 
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Talking The right tool for the job...

A friend of mine posted this on a local board. Dunno if it's been posted before, I Did Search, but..............

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women often use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Itís especially useful for slicing work clothes but only while in use.

BLEEPITY-BLEEP TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "BLEEPITY-BLEEP!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FbodFather
In light of the recent comments concerning Camaro, and the increased excitement as it finally comes to market, please take a moment and read the following closely;

Remember- "It ain't ready 'til it's ready!" Just because we show it to you early, doesnít mean itís ready.
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Old 11-30-2008, 04:35 PM   #2
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LMAO
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Old 11-30-2008, 04:45 PM   #3
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That's good stuff
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Old 11-30-2008, 05:02 PM   #4
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Glad You Enjoyed..
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"...50 years from now, when you're looking back on your life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?..."

Quote:
Originally Posted by FbodFather
In light of the recent comments concerning Camaro, and the increased excitement as it finally comes to market, please take a moment and read the following closely;

Remember- "It ain't ready 'til it's ready!" Just because we show it to you early, doesnít mean itís ready.
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Old 11-30-2008, 06:23 PM   #5
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those were good
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Old 11-30-2008, 06:29 PM   #6
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Very funny.

EZ outs - hee hee - I'm SO glad I don't work on cars anymore.
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Old 11-30-2008, 06:39 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRIXXTERR View Post
BLEEPITY-BLEEP TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "BLEEPITY-BLEEP!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
i was just using that tool...
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Old 11-30-2008, 06:52 PM   #8
Chewy
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too true LOL
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Old 11-30-2008, 07:30 PM   #9
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wow... so much of that is sooooo true...


Quote:
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
I can vouch for this one personally
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Old 12-01-2008, 01:01 AM   #10
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Ya over half of those have been proven facts and theories in my dads shop by both of us.
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Kinda scary isnt it!
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Old 12-01-2008, 01:24 AM   #11
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GREAT!
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Old 12-01-2008, 12:07 PM   #12
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So along these lines,

I spent all Sunday afternoon and evening helping my Brother In Law (whom I like very much in spite of the fact that he is a die hard ford guy) replace the clutch in his 91 Bronco.....

In the rain, on rain soaked grass, with no jack, only flashlights and one work light, and it's a 4wd so we had to R/R the transfer case also.... We didn't get done until 1230 midnight cold, tired, wet and grumpy. But we got it running again....

I won't bore you with all the problems we had but, I will say removing the pilot bearing with the bleepity bleep tool was the most fun part of the evening.......

We we're lucky enough that my Mother-In-Law was able to bring my air compressor and impact wrench over to his house to help us out.....

Very thankful that we avoided this.... Very thankful.

Quote:
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
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Old 12-03-2010, 05:21 PM   #13
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These are pretty cool descriptions of these tools and in some cases very on the mark.
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Old 12-03-2010, 05:40 PM   #14
2ndgenz28
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HackSaw is so true, that was the big test in tech school. you had to be very zen to get a machine cut from one.


from experience

Wood Rasp: Used on aluminum and steel until dull.

Carbide Masonry Drill Bits : Great for hogging out large holes in aluminum and steel.

-
Used the last one just a week ago when I did a dual bolt pattern by drilling some Dodge bolts rims with a Buick pattern too and use one to counter sink / bevel the holes for the GM lug nuts. Worked like a charm and beat buying new rims.

Last edited by 2ndgenz28; 12-03-2010 at 05:52 PM.
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Old 12-04-2010, 07:09 PM   #15
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LMAO. Very familiar with the bleepity bleep tool.
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Old 12-04-2010, 08:09 PM   #16
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Smile Tooling around.

Hey! Who's the tool?
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Old 12-05-2010, 07:24 PM   #17
Ivas
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Smile What a tool!

Your compendium is belly-buster hilarious. I laughed so hard it worried the neighbors. Right the hell on, bro'. Now, I gotta' come up with sumpthin' at least as funny, quite a challenge.
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