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Old 06-20-2007, 07:35 PM   #1
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Difference between GUTS & BALLS

I read this on another forum, and I had to share!

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
Informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
Being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask,
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
Wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:57 PM   #2
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HAHA, that's good!
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:19 PM   #3
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That was good. Lemme look through my past emails to see if I have any more I can add to the thread.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:27 PM   #4
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Not quite on topic, but "when you're bored" go to a Fast Food Restaurant and order a diet water - then insist it exists and they carry it!

Another one, I apologise if any of you are blonde, but I love this one. "to kill a blonde" put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:31 PM   #5
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Dont' get me started on blonde jokes!!!
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:41 PM   #6
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Did ya'll ever see my trophy kill squirrel?
























































.......
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:45 PM   #7
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IS THAT A REAL SQUIRREL!?!?

HaHA, Oh, I'm crapping my pants right now: GI Joe defeats the evil squirrel king, HAHA!
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Old 06-20-2007, 10:01 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoneye View Post
. "to kill a blonde" put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
I laughed out loud at that one and scared the dog!
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Old 06-20-2007, 10:35 PM   #9
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Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Old 06-20-2007, 10:37 PM   #10
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After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


> >> > Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >> >
> >> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >> >
> >> > ---------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> >> >
> >> > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > --------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >> >
> >> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >> >
> >> > S: Live bugs on back-order.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
> >> > feet per minute
> >> > descent.
> >> >
> >> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >> >
> >> > S: Evidence removed.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >> >
> >> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >> >
> >> > S: That's what they're for.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: IFF inoperative.
> >> >
> >> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> >> >
> >> > S: Suspect you're right.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Number 3 engine missing.
> >> >
> >> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> >> >
> >> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be
> >> > serious.
> >> >
> >> > ---------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Target radar hums.
> >> >
> >> > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >> >
> >> > S: Cat installed.
> >> >
> >> > ----------------------------------------
> >> >
> >> > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
> >> > like a midget
> >> > pounding on something with a hammer.
> >> >
> >> > S: Took hammer away from midget
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Old 06-20-2007, 10:43 PM   #11
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Finally...a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on
the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks
out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan! The
bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of
the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother
to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies . . . ."Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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Old 06-20-2007, 11:34 PM   #12
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The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a 710 cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a 710 cap?"

She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."

What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun 710, but no, she said it's a Pontiac.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. ”What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but it's always been there."

We gave her a note pad and asked if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

(To Find Out Why He Was In Hysterics... draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)

Yes, she was a blonde.
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Old 06-21-2007, 01:39 AM   #13
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TAG that has got to be the funniest F****** thing I have seen in a long time… Moose yours was great too… Thanks guys, I needed a good laugh to end my day…

I have some Calvin toons that will make you roll. Now were did I put those.
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Old 06-21-2007, 01:59 AM   #14
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Calvin
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Old 06-21-2007, 02:03 AM   #15
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Old 06-21-2007, 02:05 AM   #16
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Old 06-21-2007, 03:02 AM   #17
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Killer, those are GREAT!!!

I used to have a couple of the Calvin and Hobbes books. I hadn't seen the second half of part 1 and hadn't seen any of 2 or 3. Those were great and gave me a great laugh before hitting the sack. Thanks!
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Old 06-21-2007, 08:59 AM   #18
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LOL I love this thread!
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Old 06-21-2007, 11:16 AM   #19
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....
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Old 06-21-2007, 11:23 AM   #20
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Court Tidbits (the last one is my favorite)

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
_________________________________________
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
_________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
_________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
_________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Old 06-21-2007, 12:07 PM   #21
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Old 06-21-2007, 12:09 PM   #22
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Old 06-21-2007, 12:35 PM   #23
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Canadians Have a Sense of Humor
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Old 06-21-2007, 01:22 PM   #24
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Nice...like those^. Here's a few more.
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Old 06-21-2007, 03:05 PM   #25
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Greatest thread ever.
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