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Old 01-28-2008, 03:45 PM   #1
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Talking If Only ....

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.


Be gentle with me guys
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:02 PM   #2
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But not all people were born awesome like you, Spike.
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:03 PM   #3
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And...we'll dump your tea again...how's That for resistance, huh?

That's funny, bigwhithey!
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:24 PM   #4
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:48 PM   #5
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So our strategy to keep you guys across the pond guessing... Is working...

That was pretty funny.
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Old 01-28-2008, 05:00 PM   #6
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We've had a Queen and a Governer General for ~150 years. Its not that bad. I have an alternative solution though, we could adopt them as our 4th Territory. If not, thats fine. Can we just have Alaska? It really makes more sense for us to have it, don't you think?
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Old 01-28-2008, 05:10 PM   #7
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NO! You certaily may not have Alaska. Don't you know we need it for strategic snow harvesting. Geeees!
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Old 01-28-2008, 05:12 PM   #8
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That was awesome. Especially these ones:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigwithey View Post

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGthe3 View Post
We've had a Queen and a Governer General for ~150 years. Its not that bad. I have an alternative solution though, we could adopt them as our 4th Territory. If not, thats fine. Can we just have Alaska? It really makes more sense for us to have it, don't you think?
I grew up in Alaska, are you sure you guys want it?
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Old 01-28-2008, 06:44 PM   #9
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And...we'll dump your tea again...how's That for resistance, huh?

That's funny, bigwhithey!
I can imagine tea falling from the Ron Paul blimp (red alert 2 style).
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:45 PM   #10
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That's funny and in many cases true.

But if you try it we'll make a parking lot out of your "Great" country. As for our Canadian friends, be thankful for your big brother, you'd all be speaking Russian if it weren't for us. Yes I know it's self serving, we need your beer, hockey and strip clubs.

God Bless the USA! Home of the free because of the brave!

Before anyone gets upset, relax, I'm just giving it back.

What does of any of this have to do with the Camaro? And why did I even bother to reply?
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Old 01-28-2008, 09:20 PM   #11
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Quote:
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Yes I know it's self serving, we need your beer, hockey and strip clubs.


We should just go for a merger of countries...just to piss Russia, and China off because our 'country' would be bigger.

Call it...Canamerica. Or Americada
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:25 PM   #12
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Wasn't there a movie about some boyscouts conquering canada?

Oh and the usual



That said.. some things could really use some improvement from "across the pond"
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Old 01-29-2008, 12:20 AM   #13
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And...we'll dump your tea again...how's That for resistance, huh? :
Viva La Resistance
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Old 01-29-2008, 01:21 AM   #14
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Wanna talk war eh?

Well last time I checked we only lost 1 war and that was your Revolutionary War (this is lumping together our time as British North America and as Canada, as Canada we've never lost). We did beat you in the War of 1812 when you invaded, I believe we set fire to the White House, among other places in Washington. Vietnam didn't work out very well for you either.


Oh, and joke all you want about our navy, we have some good ones of yours

Quote:
This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Dwight D. Eisenhower) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH...I SAY AGAIN.....THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH....OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse.


Lastly


I know this is all in good fun
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Old 01-29-2008, 01:37 AM   #15
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After living in England for 3 months, I was at a loss as to explain how you people ever managed to hold on to half the world at one point in time. (I was studying British Imperialism at Oxford) That does not speak well of humanity. Sure, go ahead and try to take us back. You stick with your weapons (silly little baton things) and we'll stick with our guns. See how well that goes. Don't forget your pretty little reflective vests. Lord knows you're all afraid to go outside without them. We'll go about with our spelling. You all have so mucked up the English language with your unnecessary silent letters. We're just trying to clean up your mess and make it a sensible language.



Don't worry, this is all a bit of fun humor. I really did enjoy my time in your fine country, though not without a bit of frustration and annoyance.
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Old 01-29-2008, 02:34 AM   #16
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Bad food, worse teeth, and horrid healthcare.

How's that for resistance?
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Old 01-29-2008, 02:58 AM   #17
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I stll don't understand why the English think this stuff is funny.
I've heard some here on vacation say "We used to own the place".
I know they are jokes, but some of them really get under my skin.

Maybe it's just because I was in the US Army and still work as a contractor for the Air Force.

Most of the humor wasn't lost on me though.
If we had lost the Revolutionary war, we would all be speaking English right now.
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Old 01-29-2008, 03:16 AM   #18
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I'm sorry, did you need bailing out again... What’s it you Brits say "CHEERS"
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Old 01-29-2008, 03:25 AM   #19
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Hold on... we never did own the US... did we?

In any case, YOU got Aluminum correct - we, the British, added the "i" to make it fit with the periodic table (even though that's stupid).

I love being British, but I tell you what, this country is quickly becoming a hole in the ground to live in :(
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Old 01-29-2008, 03:41 AM   #20
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It WAS an English colony until we decided to dump all of your tea into Boston Harbor. We are all coffee drinkers now.
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Old 01-29-2008, 11:43 AM   #21
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To add to the military spin. I've had the chance to work with both Navies, Canadian and Royal.

And I will say as Navies go they are among the best. The one thing that I found common is that they sctratch their heads at how we are so good at what we do. They are amazed that we can pull away from the pier let alone be so effective in our missions. I can't tell you how many times I've been called a cowboy by Brits and Canadian sailors. They don't understand us at all. It's pretty funny to see them shake their heads at us.
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Old 01-29-2008, 04:05 PM   #22
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Bad food, worse teeth, and horrid healthcare.

How's that for resistance?
Im not from england, but in all honesty, you might want to rethink that comment about Healthcare. You didnt place so high on the WHO rankings

well, at least you have "warm" company
35 Dominica
36 Costa Rica
37 United States of America
38 Slovenia
39 Cuba
40 Brunei


http://www.photius.com/rankings/healthranks.html
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Old 01-29-2008, 04:54 PM   #23
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did I say we were any better? I mean. come on. a majority of the US are morons, but I'm not getting political on these boards.
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Old 01-29-2008, 06:06 PM   #24
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Too bad there are actually two ways to spell and pronounce Aluminum (or Aluminium).
Aluminium
Aluminum
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Old 01-29-2008, 09:06 PM   #25
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Im not from england, but in all honesty, you might want to rethink that comment about Healthcare. You didnt place so high on the WHO rankings

well, at least you have "warm" company
35 Dominica
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http://www.photius.com/rankings/healthranks.html
No, having just gotten back from living in England, I can tell you that if I really needed medical attention, the one place I'd want to be is the U.S. While in Oxford, my friend came down with a cough so bad that if she was in the U.S. it would have landed her right in the hospital under the care of a specialist. Unfortunately since we were in England, she had to go through the NHS. Before any medical work can be done, you have to go to a general practitioner. So she scheduled an appointment, and when she got there, the doctor didn't examine her or recommend anything. She just disinterestedly asked what kind of medicine she wanted prescribed and then kicked her right out in under 5 minutes. Health care just doesn't exist there. It won't exist here either if a certain leftward leaning political party gets their way. Oh, also while we were out there two remarkable news items came out. One was a study that showed that Brits were increasingly pulling their own teeth because dentists are in very short supply under the NHS. The other was about a man dying of cancer who was denied meds by the NHS because of where he lived. Under the way the NHS operates, the cancer meds were approved for people living under certain postal codes but not others. So because of where he lived, he was denied the appropriate treatment. How is that decent healthcare. We should pull out of Iraq and bomb the Brits for atrocities just like that. God save us from liberalism.
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