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Old 09-30-2009, 12:48 PM   #1
Dave McFly
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Talking Oil Changes

I had this on my hard drive for years and found it while looking for something else, enjoy

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles since
the
last oil change.

2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.

3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained
vehicle.

MONEY SPENT:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00

TOTAL: $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree; write check
for
$50.

2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for $20.00,
drive
home.

3) Drink a beer to "get started."

4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, have another beer.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on
you in process.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw
kitty litter on oil drops.

13) Another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among debris in
trash can to avoid environmental fee.

17) Beer.

18) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

19) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car and cleverly dump oil in
hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid
environmental
fee.

20) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

21) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.

22) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.

23) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to
gasket surface.

24) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

25) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.

26) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

27) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along
with drain plug.

28) Beer.

29) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel
oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal
oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
lawn mower gas.

30) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty
litter on oil.

31) Beer.

32) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily
gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame

33) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 32.

34) Cussing fit.

35) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

36) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.

37) Beer.

38) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.

39) Beer to stop pain....

40) Ditto.

41) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

42) Beer.

43) Lower car from jack stands.

44) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

45) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from steps
23 - 43.

46) Beer.

47) Test drive car.

48) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.

49) Car towed and impounded.

50) Call loving wife; make bail.

51) 12-hours later; bail out car.



MONEY SPENT:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00

TOTAL: $4,340.00


BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:16 PM   #2
NoUCantDriveIt


 
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Sorry guys, but thats funny.
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:19 PM   #3
brandotron
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:31 PM   #4
lee

 
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:33 PM   #5
patriotpa
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Stay AWAY from Jiffy Lube and like places! Oil changes are EASY.
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:36 PM   #6
bluch
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LMAO HAHAHAHA seriously had me laughing out loud
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Old 05-18-2010, 04:50 PM   #7
jbdj89
 
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LMAO!!!!
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