Joke tellin' page

[NSCRFN3]

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in
his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make
love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up
and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know
that's a sheep, not a cow."

The cowboy replies, "If you weren't such a
presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to
the sheep."

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 40D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."

Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"



A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!"

The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!

By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!"

The crowd broke into applause and the lady's money was quickly refunded!

[brandotron]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

[NSCRFN3]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[brandotron]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[myold88]

What's a woman got between her breasts that a girl doesn't ?

a bellybutton !

[GNVenom]

THE PATIENT GRANDFATHER

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.


Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
in there, boy."


At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William,
William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but
you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole
time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive
he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is
very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the
little bastard's name is Steven."

[TFord]

Guy walks into a bar where the walls and ceiling are covered with 1 dollar bills. He sits down and gets a beer and asks, "whats the deal with all the dollars tacked up everywhere". The bartender responds "there's a old three part bet thats been going on here for years. 1 dollar bet, if you can pull it off you get the whole pot. Drinking his beer the guy asks whats the bet. "Well the first part is you gotta put down a 1 gallon glass of beer. After that I've gotta mean 150lb rotweiller in the back with a bad tooth. You gotta go take these pliers and pull the bad tooth. And Finally my sister's upstairs, she's morbidly obese about 500lbs, you got to go make love to her. "How much is the pot the guy asks, "about 10,000" replies the bartender. The guy finishes his beer gets up and tacks a dollar on the wall, saying after a gallon of beer I don't think Ill care or remember what happened. The bartender brings the guy the gallon of beer. After a few hrs the guy finishes off the beer, and is obviously beyond drunk. The bartender hands the guy the pliers and says good luck. The guy barely makes it outside without falling over. Moments later you hear him and the dog going at it. about 45 minutes later the guy stumbles back in the bar a bloody mess, clothes shredded, blood and bite wounds everwhere.

He finally gets upright, holds up the pliers and says "Where's this fat chick with the bad tooth!"

[Big Brunsy]

Originally Posted by TFord

Guy walks into a bar where the walls and ceiling are covered with 1 dollar bills. He sits down and gets a beer and asks, "whats the deal with all the dollars tacked up everywhere". The bartender responds "there's a old three part bet thats been going on here for years. 1 dollar bet, if you can pull it off you get the whole pot. Drinking his beer the guy asks whats the bet. "Well the first part is you gotta put down a 1 gallon glass of beer. After that I've gotta mean 150lb rotweiller in the back with a bad tooth. You gotta go take these pliers and pull the bad tooth. And Finally my sister's upstairs, she's morbidly obese about 500lbs, you got to go make love to her. "How much is the pot the guy asks, "about 10,000" replies the bartender. The guy finishes his beer gets up and tacks a dollar on the wall, saying after a gallon of beer I don't think Ill care or remember what happened. The bartender brings the guy the gallon of beer. After a few hrs the guy finishes off the beer, and is obviously beyond drunk. The bartender hands the guy the pliers and says good luck. The guy barely makes it outside without falling over. Moments later you hear him and the dog going at it. about 45 minutes later the guy stumbles back in the bar a bloody mess, clothes shredded, blood and bite wounds everwhere.

He finally gets upright, holds up the pliers and says "Where's this fat chick with the bad tooth!"

[Big Brunsy]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

[NSCRFN3]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

...Apparently the "correct" answer is 'Fiji Islands'.

[Iwantone2]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

...Apparently the "correct" answer is 'Fiji Islands'.

[springerpete]

An elderly couple was swinging on the front porch. They had been married for many years.

The wife suddenly slaps the old man. He asked, "What was that for?" She said, "That's for fifty years of bad sex!"

They go back to swinging peacefully. Suddenly he knocks her out of the swing and off the porch. She got up and asked, "What was that for?"

He answered, "That's for knowing the difference!"

[springerpete]

An old biker crashes his bike and is killed. St Peter meets him at the Gates and proceeds to tell him that there's been a mistake and that the biker shouldn't be there. St Peter tells him that God will grant him a wish for his troubles.

The biker thinks for a while and asks God to build him a bridge to Hawaii so he can ride his scooter there. God tells him that the bridge will be very long and difficult and will require much of his time and effort. So God asks the old biker to make another wish.

The biker thinks for a while longer and then comes up with a second wish. He explains that he's been married to the same woman for 40 years. He said that he would like to understand what women are saying and understand their thought process, so they could get along.

God answers. "So. would you like that bridge two lanes or four?"