Joke tellin' page

[Dave McFly]

An evil count kidnapped the kings daughter but would not give her back after weeks and weeks of searching they found the count. he was taken to the king.
"if you do not tell me where my daughter is, you will be beheaded." but the count would not talk, the sentence was about to be carried out, and the king asked one last time about his daughter, the count would not talk. the executioner lifts up the axe to swing it down, as the axe comes down toward the count he says "wait I will talk!" but he was too late.

The moral of the story? Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken

[Synerbee]

After someone makes a woman joke say this
Woman actually do 71 things
71. cook
70. Clean
69-1. 69

[Synerbee]

Originally Posted by MisterCamaro69

Don't remember if this was already posted, if so, well, read it again

A woman was talking to her husband late one night and said, "Honey, if I die before you will you remarry" The husband said, "No sweetie, you are the light of my life..I could never love another woman besides you". After a few more minutes she asked her husband, "Honey, if I died first will you let another woman have my clothes and jewelry?" Her husband answered, "No darling, I could never love another woman enough to ever let her have anything of yours." Finally after a few more minutes the wife said, "Darling, if I died would you ever let another woman have my golf clubs?" The husband immediately sat up and said, "That would be plain stupid, you're right handed and she's left handed!"

:belly roll:

[NSCRFN3]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Dave McFly]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[NSCRFN3]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Big Brunsy]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.


His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.


The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.


The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

(YOU'RE GONNA "'LOVE" THIS ANSWER). . .

His father replied, Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[NSCRFN3]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[Wilder]

hahahaha the lady gaga joke on the first page is great :p

[Buelligun]

My girlfriend is a pornstar with her own website.....


















I bet she'll be frikkin furious when she finds out!!!

[Z28RockStar]

So this blind guys been having a couple drinks at a local pub near his place and hes in a pretty good mood but the two guys to his right he can hear are loud and obnoxious. He can hear some one sit to his left and feel the air move, a mans voice sais in a jovial manner "I'd like a shot of Crown and a Miller Lite!" well this guy sounded friendly enough so the blind guy leans over and sais "hey buddy, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

To which the fellow replies,"well, you might not want to do that man, two of the most beautiful women you've ever imagined, like angels even, are behind the bar serving our drinks, and they're blonde, the two biker guys on your right, . . they're huge, drunk, look fresh out of prison and they're both blonde, the door guy whos 6ft1 250+ pounds of muscle, . . hes a blonde, and the bouncer who looks neaderthalish and makes the door guy look small, . . hes a blonde!"

The blind guy thinks about this for a couple of seconds and replies, . .

wait for it, . . . .

"Wow buddy I really appreciate that, hell, you're right, I don't want to have to explain it six times."

[Decibel JJ]

Ricky has broken his leg and his budd Mick comes over to see him. Mick says "So, How you doing?" Ricky says "ok, but do me a favor pal, run upstairs and get me my slippers, My feet are freezing".
Mick goes upstairs and sees Ricky's gorgeous 19-year old daughters lying on the bed naked. He says "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you". They say "Prove it"
So Mick shouts downstairs "Ricky, both of em?" Ricky shouts back "Of course both of em', Whats the point of f*****g one?"

[Decibel JJ]

here's a long one, but its got cars(ish) in it...

Street Racing for Everyman
I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3 cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise...
I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.
The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders...
Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust -- probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction...
Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye.
He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner.
I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ...
The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the outside, my P165/54R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority reigns!!!
I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon Van!

[NSCRFN3]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.