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Old 07-02-2010, 10:40 PM   #29
Tessa
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To all of the above....
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Old 07-03-2010, 07:17 AM   #30
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Three nuns just graduated from the convent and were in a big hurry to go celebrate wherever nuns go to party but they didn't see the train coming at the crossing and they were all three instantly killed.

As they approached the Pearly gates St Peter saw them and said "Hey you three aren't supposed to be here yet!" He then checked something and said "Well I think I can let you in early if you can each answer one question correctly"

The nuns agreed and so St Peter asked the first nun: "Who was the first man?" The first nun said: "Oh, that's an easy one, Adam." The light flashed and the bells rang and St Peter said "Ok, come on in."

Then St Peter asked the second nun: "Who was the first woman?" So she says: "Oh that's an easy one, the first woman was Eve." The lights flashed and the bells rang and St Peter said: Ok, come on in.

Then St Peter asked the third nun: "What did the first woman say when she saw the first man?" And the third nun said: "Oh no, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed and the bells rang..........................
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Old 07-03-2010, 07:59 AM   #31
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ok i have two hope they are ok.

there is a couple who have been married for 5 years and have sex just about everyday. but everytime the couple are having sex, the husband likes the lights off. soo one day the wife told her self tonight during sex she is going to turn on the lamp by the bed. the night comes and they are in the room going at it when the wife turns on the light and sees that her husband is using a dildo, she asked him. "did you do that every night"? he replied with yes, the the wife all upset said you have explaining to do, then the husband sayed, " i will. but first you explain the kids"



this one is long and some what voulgar. i do hope it is ok since we are adults. if it is not i will edit and take it off. so in advance if it is to voulgar i am sorry.


little johnny went into a cafe. he sat down at the table when the waitress walked over and asked if she could get him anything. johnny replied with yes a cup of coffee please. then the waitress said ok anything else. johnny replied yes PISS! the waitress gets all mad and tells little johnny to leave. so little johnny gets up and before he leaves he says CUNT! and the waitress is all mad screaming and yelling at little johnny. as little johnny was leaving the cafe an officer happend to be outside, he grabed little johnny asked the waitress what happend. so the officer arrested little johnny. soo little johnny had to go to court and when he appeared in front of the judge he told little johnny what the officer told him, so the judge asked johnny why he told the waitress to PISS. little johnny replied i meant PUT IN SOME SUGAR. the judge laughed, and then said but when you left you called her a CUNT, and little johnny replied yes i meant C U NEXT THURSDAY. judge laughed and let him go. before he walked out he sayed your honor **** you. the judge laughed and said what does the mean and little johnny sayed **** YOU.


there were three groups of kids all different ethinicity's all in fourth grade. there was an asian group, a white group, and a hispanic gorup.
one day the asian group wanted to be nice so the wrote on the chalk board TTIA. theacher walks in and mad askes who wrote that. the asia group stand up and sayed we did, the teacher asked why and the student sayed it means TO TEACHER I APPLE. the teacher then said than you.
the next day the white kids decided to be better and wrote TTIO. again the teacher walks in but this time gets mad at the asian group for writing on the chalk board again. but the white kids stand up and said we did it, it says TO TEACHER I ORANGE. again she thanked the students.
so the next day the hispanics group up to be better then the whites, and asians, so they write **** IT. teacher walks in and all upset yelling at the kids and getting mad at the white kids and asians, the hispanic kids stand up and tell the teacher they wrote it. she starts to yell when one child says but teacher is says FROM US CHICANO KIDS I TAMALE

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

KNITTING


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

just got those in the my email

The Perfect Comeback


>I took my dad to the mall the
>other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
>
>We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>
>I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to
>him.
>
>The teenager had spiked hair
>in all different colours
- blue, green, orange, red & purple -
and my dad kept staring
>at her.
>
>The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.
>
>When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:
>
>"What's the
>matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"
>
>Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke
on his response - I knew he'd
>have a good one!
>
>In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:
>
>"Got stoned
>once and screwed a peacock.
I was just wondering
>if you were my daughter."
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:48 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSOOCH View Post
Why do you always have to take two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

If you take just one, they'll drink all your beer!!
.........

Being Mormon and having lived in Utah, I sooooooo totaly get that. lmao

Quote:
Originally Posted by shevyman View Post
The Perfect Comeback


>I took my dad to the mall the
>other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
>
>We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>
>I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to
>him.
>
>The teenager had spiked hair
>in all different colours
- blue, green, orange, red & purple -
and my dad kept staring
>at her.
>
>The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.
>
>When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:
>
>"What's the
>matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"
>
>Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke
on his response - I knew he'd
>have a good one!
>
>In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:
>
>"Got stoned
>once and screwed a peacock.
I was just wondering
>if you were my daughter."
That's the one I've been searching my in box for. lmao

LOVE this joke. It could be my dad. hahahahahaha (No, I don't mean I'm an emo with rainbow hair) lol
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Old 07-03-2010, 04:59 PM   #33
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^
ok i use to live in close to utah and been around alot of mormons, but i still don't get that joke. i feel dumb but what am i missing? maybe i have been away for to long lol.
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Old 07-03-2010, 05:25 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shevyman View Post
^
ok i use to live in close to utah and been around alot of mormons, but i still don't get that joke. i feel dumb but what am i missing? maybe i have been away for to long lol.

Lots of em drink beer, but they don't want anyone else that is Mormon to know it...
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If the car feels like it is on rails, you are probably driving too slow. -Ross Bentley

Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall.
Torque is how far you take the wall with you.

“If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.” Mario Andretti

If you can turn, you ain't going fast enough...
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Old 07-03-2010, 05:30 PM   #35
Mark A Collier Sr
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A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)
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"101BABY"
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Old 07-03-2010, 05:32 PM   #36
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An old favorite of mine...

Cop is on the witness stand during the trial of another police officer for a supposedly wrongful shooting...

Presecutor... So, your partner shot this guy in what is considered a bad shooting...

Cop... yup... but thats your opinion

Prosecutor... and you still want to work with him....

Cop... yup...

Prosecutor...So, you trust this guy with your life...

Cop... yup...

Prosecutor... do you trust all cops...

Cop... yup...

Prosecutor... you trust every one of them with you life, your possessions.... everything...

Cop... yup...

Prosecutor... do you have a locker at work...

Cop... yup...

Prosecutor... do you have a lock on it...

Cop...yup...

Prosecutor... but you trust all these cops with your possessions, your life... why the lock....

Cop... cause the police station is attached to the courthouse and sometimes lawyers walk through there....
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If the car feels like it is on rails, you are probably driving too slow. -Ross Bentley

Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall.
Torque is how far you take the wall with you.

“If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.” Mario Andretti

If you can turn, you ain't going fast enough...
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Old 07-04-2010, 08:25 AM   #37
Mark A Collier Sr
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I can't believe that out of all the folks on here (AND all the views over 300) that we only have a few people tell their favorite joke!

Blonde jokes, outhern jokes, northern jokes, play on words jokes I KNOW YOU HAVE A FAVORITE!!!

Lets just watch the ones with bad language!
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"BABY" is a Summit White, 2SS/RS, My Tribute to the 13 years I served in the 101st Airborne Division!!!
ORDERED: 18 JUL 09 #NMMS88,
BORN ON 4 NOV 09 at 12:26pm VIN:63460~ HOME on 18 NOV 09!
"101BABY"
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Old 07-04-2010, 11:00 AM   #38
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FEMALE TERMINOLOGY


1.)FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.)
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.)
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5)
Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.)
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.)
Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.)
Whatever:Is a women's way of saying "you're a complete moron."

9.)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
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Old 07-04-2010, 02:28 PM   #39
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


:flag1: :flag1: :flag1: :flag1: Happy Independence Day! :flag1: :flag1: :flag1: :flag1:

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the Doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband" she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Bob, do we still have intercourse?" There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred
Times...What we have is BLUE CROSS!!
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"BABY" is a Summit White, 2SS/RS, My Tribute to the 13 years I served in the 101st Airborne Division!!!
ORDERED: 18 JUL 09 #NMMS88,
BORN ON 4 NOV 09 at 12:26pm VIN:63460~ HOME on 18 NOV 09!
"101BABY"
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Old 07-04-2010, 02:38 PM   #40
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Blonde goes to the Dr's office...

Doc, I have really bad gas, but it doesn't smell, I just poot a lot...

Doc asks her a few questions and while this was going on, she tooted... Doc said, here, take these pills for two weeks and come back and see me...

Blonde returns in two weeks and tells the doc, those pills you gave me didn't do anything for the volume of gas, but they sure stink now...

Doc replies, now that we've cleared your sinus's, let's see what we can do about that gas...
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If the car feels like it is on rails, you are probably driving too slow. -Ross Bentley

Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall.
Torque is how far you take the wall with you.

“If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.” Mario Andretti

If you can turn, you ain't going fast enough...
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Old 07-04-2010, 05:03 PM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSE 4 2SS View Post
Lots of em drink beer, but they don't want anyone else that is Mormon to know it...
wow to be frank the ones i knew never drank. but then again i never asled everybody who was drinking if they were mormon or not. lol

i only knew a few mormons others i guess i could assume but there were other religions where i was staying. but ok now i can understand the joke. thank you
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Old 07-04-2010, 05:06 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr View Post
I can't believe that out of all the folks on here (AND all the views over 300) that we only have a few people tell their favorite joke!

Blonde jokes, southern jokes, northern jokes, play on words jokes I KNOW YOU HAVE A FAVORITE!!!

Lets just watch the ones with bad language!
alright. would you want me to delete the ones i put up? or just from here on keep them clean
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