Retired from Track Days

[littlebuffalo]

Thank God I'm not the only one with a wife sending mixed signals. I have been lucky enough to get 3 weekends of track time this year with a possible 4th in Sept. I made mention of possibly selling the 1LE and buying a truck this fall and she was all for it . Now I don't know what to do, keep a car that I put 5,000 miles a year on or trade it in for a truck and do more family friendly things. Last fall she was all in for learning to autox and a possible track day, but sadly that hasn't worked out and she now thinks a truck would be best.

[cornerspeed92]

I have to say WOW, just cant believe how selfish women are. I know in my case i have never had one actually stand by me. When i was married to devil woman, on our honeymoon we went to Cabo. I am also a Private pilot(no longer current)and on the way home i got to ride jump seat in a Boeing 727, super cool for any flyboy. I also asked the pilot if i could ride jump seat for the landing and he said yes, which was just so cool. I went back and told her, and got the look! Needless to say i didn't get to, and with the way the world is now that will never happen.

When i started my racing i always thought that hot women and racing just go together. Well she never went to any of my races, i even won my novice race and no one to kiss. She was a very selfish bitch and the only reason she wouldn't go was cause she knew how much it meant to me and wanted me to hurt. So for the record, i divorced her.So it seems to be a fine line about having fun and being happy, i dont think it is really possible.

I have been alone for a long time and get to do what i want, but coming home to an empty house sure gets old. I know in Brian's case he was home and being a good Dad, and husband. It's ok for him to doing stuff to his car, he wasn't neglecting his kids or his wife, he was available to them and that's all that matters.

[CrystalRedTintcoat]

Originally Posted by motorhead

So, can I ask? What is going to change in 2015 to allow you to racing? Does she transform into a different person on News Years even? Just wondering.

Time. Simply put so that I'm not overly focused on a stressful job, tennis matches that take me 4 hours away from the house and now track days.

[markgws6]

Wow, Brian I hope you can at least have fun next year some time. I know it was great fun at the TH we ran last and you are a very good driver too. Sometimes I feel like I could have been a great race car driver but I never chose to take my career in that direction. This gives me a chance to escape reality for a little while and dream I'm Andretti or you name your favorite driver... I feel sorry for people that don't do this and who go without breaks or time to do what they have a passion for. I was concerned when I saw this thread...I still am and I hope you can come to a compromise that will work well for your family. You seem like a great dad and guy and I'm glad to have met you! And definitely keep the car. The back seat works just fine for kids and side seat for wife. Just imagine if you sold it and bought a race car right??

[motorhead]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

Time. Simply put so that I'm not overly focused on a stressful job, tennis matches that take me 4 hours away from the house and now track days.

I got ya. Good luck. I hope you can strike a balance that you can all live with.

[kansjfr]

My experience as an attorney tells me two things about your situation: 1) 2015 isn't going to change anything with the way she wants you to spend your time, and 2) the more of these battles she wins, the more she will seek concessions from you. She appears to be one of the passive-aggressive type women, and most of them are very gifted at that tactic. I agree that getting your son involved in your work on your car is a bonding experience that will last your son a lifetime. My advice is to be true to yourself, life is short; too short to be unhappy and married to a bully, even though she disguises it very well. Feel free to ignore all advice contained herein.

[Todd in Vancouver]

Reading some of these comments are really upsetting to me, mostly because I can really understand these situations and relate. I've used the word "balance" in my last post and truly feel that as much as we all love cars, racing and the whole automotive world in general, we have to be able to maintain work, life, family and personal balance of all these things. But, and this is a BIG but, there has to be a willing spirit of compromise by our partners and other people in our lives.

This is a car forum so I don't want to be a downer or get to serious but if your spouses, partners or whatever are not willing to discuss and work with any of you in how you can achieve these trade offs then I'd recommend you get a third party involved. As in counselling. These things will not fix themselves and start with one giving up something they love because of, <insert any excuse here> and then this follows; Resentment, frustration, anger and in general things start to unravel.

For a relationship to work everyone needs to be happy or at least agree on what is best for the family unit and everyone involved. My second wife is an absolute angel with my car addiction. While she sees a car as a box to go from point A-B she will look at what I'm working on and listen to me talk endlessly about it. Takes on all the house chores while I skip out at the crack of dawn to go racing and come home exhausted and flop on the couch for the night. To top if off, she sent me off on a two day track trip with honest happiness to see me doing what I love. Now the trade off, we have three cats, and I've been to cat shows. I work in our garden with her, take trips to see things I don't care about and just read when she wants quiet sometimes so the house is Dead quiet. See, it's all trade offs or kitchen credits as I like to call them.

It can be done and you guys should all be able to do what you want as long as it's not putting the family under distress (financial, safety, etc.) but sometimes you need an independent party involved to "help" others see what is reasonable and respectful. A loving partner wants the other to be happy as well.

Sorry for the long post but this subject just got under my skin, thankfully I do not have to currently live it.

OP, I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

[Camaro Dude]

Originally Posted by kansjfr

My experience as an attorney tells me two things about your situation: 1) 2015 isn't going to change anything with the way she wants you to spend your time, and 2) the more of these battles she wins, the more she will seek concessions from you. She appears to be one of the passive-aggressive type women, and most of them are very gifted at that tactic. I agree that getting your son involved in your work on your car is a bonding experience that will last your son a lifetime. My advice is to be true to yourself, life is short; too short to be unhappy and married to a bully, even though she disguises it very well. Feel free to ignore all advice contained herein.

Sounds like a win win here to me, for the attorney business, LOLlllll!

Man, you guys have it goooooooood.

I tip my hat off.

[CrystalRedTintcoat]

Originally Posted by J-vette

What about taking the family with. If the wife don't like it & the kids do then you have that point, if the wife likes & the kids don't then you are good.
Hope it works out for you either way.

I've taken my older boy. He loved it. Helped change OrangeCrush's tires on his Viper. He was big man wearing the gloves and all. It was actually pretty darn cute.

Originally Posted by Orange Crush 1LE

Brian,

Tracking with you and your son and staying at the Duck Shack was a blast. It seems to me that your son enjoyed hanging around us and helping me swap track tires as much as we did playing on the track. That shows that you did a great job integrating your son in with your track weekend. Your wife needs to understand that, a father-son activity is being a good family man. She also needs to understand that spouses must give each other enough room to breathe and be true to who they are. I think you deserve to go play on the track, just as she deserves to go do her thing with her friends. This seems to be hard for some spouses to grasp. I hope she comes to terms with this, because the reality is that she is the one not being fair to you. I would push back and work out some sort of a compromise. Perhaps find something that she would love to do but is holding herself back, and give her encouragement to do it. She shouldn't be able to veto you on this. But that is just my opinion, I don't want to get you in hot water.

Good luck Brian.

Todd, I appreciate the comments. Perhaps I've spent too much time with the car and not enough time at the house. And I work a lot. It's 12:50am and I'm just wrapping up my evening work now and I have to leave the house again at 6:00am. Someone here had a good point that she's probably feeling left out.

Originally Posted by hcsi99

I told my wife before we got married that I have an addiction to cars, autocrossing, and doing track days a few times a year. I explained that it is expensive, and takes up a lot of time. I told her that if she wasn't going to let me do these things, even after we have kids, that our relationship was not going to work. We've been married 8 years, we have 2 kids (10 months, and 2.5 years old), and I'm very lucky to be able to do these things. I don't do them as much as I did before we had kids, but we've come to a compromise. I also understand it's not fair to my wife who works a full time job as well to spend all weekend with the kids while I go and play. The best advise I can give you is to communicate how you feel, try to compromise, and don't sell your car because you will regret it and resent her for it in the future. Best of luck to you.

OK. I won't sell my rig. And good point, with kids you can't do as much as you could w/o them. I no longer bike b/c I got to the point where I'd do 6-8 hour rides and that didn't fit into my lifestyle.

Originally Posted by Billy10mm

...In the end, we decided to talk it out like adults. No accusations, no insults, no name calling, just tell each other how we feel. What came out of of that were small changes that have had a huge positive impact on our lives.

I no longer use my smart phone while with her. I used to be checking email/work constantly while out to eat or watching a movie/TV with her ... no more. She now goes to see her friends by herself, instead of dragging me along. This gives me much needed alone time to enjoy my hobbies and she now doesn't have to deal with a bored and unhappy husband (why she thought I would ever have fun hanging around with her and her girlfriends is beyond me). We both made a commitment to get more sleep, especially on the weekends. I would tend to stay up real late catching up on movies and my favorite shows on Friday and Saturday nights, she would too. This left both of us with little sleep and we were both really cranky the next day. She also felt like I wasn't doing my share of the household chores, so we split those up based on which each of us prefers to do/are willing to take.

None of these was a huge change or sacrifice. Individually, they were all small. But in the end we both now feel like everything is "fair" and the spite we had for each other is gone. Based on the limited text you've provided, it seems like you're going through something similar. I hope you can work it out.

I really appreciate these thoughts. We've had conversations about "devices" and being in the moment. We always try to optimize sleep, except tonight where I'm playing major catchup at work. Your idea of talking about and splitting the chores I think is important and will really work. That's kind of the Sheryl Sandberg LEAN IN thing.

Originally Posted by littlebuffalo

Thank God I'm not the only one with a wife sending mixed signals. I have been lucky enough to get 3 weekends of track time this year with a possible 4th in Sept. I made mention of possibly selling the 1LE and buying a truck this fall and she was all for it . Now I don't know what to do, keep a car that I put 5,000 miles a year on or trade it in for a truck and do more family friendly things. Last fall she was all in for learning to autox and a possible track day, but sadly that hasn't worked out and she now thinks a truck would be best.

Hmmm ... based on this thread and the feedback given to me I'd say don't sell it!

Originally Posted by kansjfr

My experience as an attorney tells me two things about your situation: 1) 2015 isn't going to change anything with the way she wants you to spend your time, and 2) the more of these battles she wins, the more she will seek concessions from you. She appears to be one of the passive-aggressive type women, and most of them are very gifted at that tactic. I agree that getting your son involved in your work on your car is a bonding experience that will last your son a lifetime. My advice is to be true to yourself, life is short; too short to be unhappy and married to a bully, even though she disguises it very well. Feel free to ignore all advice contained herein.

Kansjfr: what kind of law? I think you're spot on in 2015. When she asked me how much I plan to do I said 2x in '13, 3x in '14, and 4x in '15. I did tell her that I can pause for a couple years b/c my older one will be driving before long and he'll learn to drive at the track for sure. That might have scared her b/c she knows my older son loves cars, watching racing and used to say he wanted to be a race car driver; he grew up with the movie CARS.

[CrystalRedTintcoat]

Originally Posted by Todd in Vancouver

Now the trade off, we have three cats, and I've been to cat shows. I work in our garden with her, take trips to see things I don't care about and just read when she wants quiet sometimes so the house is Dead quiet. See, it's all trade offs or kitchen credits as I like to call them.

This made think of something. My wife has stopped girls nights out, exercising, walking the dog and her own self-care. She feels guilty the few times she goes away to weekend trips with her girlfriends (maybe 2-3 times in 10 years). Maybe the probably is that she's not taking care of herself first and foremost. Maybe she wants me to do that for her.

You guys have ALL been great. I appreciate this!

[CHMSC]

You both need your time. Without it puts undue stress and burdens on a relationship that really shouldn't have those burdens. She and you both need friends and your own time to do stuff.

[joelster]

Sometimes women just irritate the shit out of me. This thread is an example. The OP isn't hanging out on Friday nights at the bars, sucking down a six-pack every night, etc, etc. He's a guy with a nice car, that works his ass off for it, and takes pride and care in it. He can use his car as a GREAT way to teach his kids some valuable lessons such as care and maintenance and to stay out of trouble to enjoy the finer things. Some women are NEVER happy. Usually the culprit isn't the husband. The culprit is the woman's social circle whether it be friends or co-workers. They get a jealous spite in them, and then the feeling festers and brews until all sorts of crap comes out of their mouths.

[motorhead]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

This made think of something. My wife has stopped girls nights out, exercising, walking the dog and her own self-care. She feels guilty the few times she goes away to weekend trips with her girlfriends (maybe 2-3 times in 10 years). Maybe the probably is that she's not taking care of herself first and foremost. Maybe she wants me to do that for her.

You guys have ALL been great. I appreciate this!

She sounds depressed from that statement. Maybe she needs to get to the bottom of why she is no longer happy.

[Norm Peterson]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

This made think of something. My wife has stopped girls nights out, exercising, walking the dog and her own self-care. She feels guilty the few times she goes away to weekend trips with her girlfriends (maybe 2-3 times in 10 years). Maybe the probably is that she's not taking care of herself first and foremost. Maybe she wants me to do that for her.

You guys have ALL been great. I appreciate this!

You don't have to answer this publicly and I don't need to know privately, but how old are the two of you? From what I've read in this thread, I'm guessing maybe late 30's, in which case she's approaching that change of life thing. Or maybe she is already in the early stages. Either way, it can be a challenging time, though things might get easier if it is openly - but not contentiously - acknowledged.

Been there once already, expecting to be watching it again as my 39 y/o daughter (who lives in my house with her daughter - and hubby when he's not on the road hauling freight) starts going through it any time now.


Norm