Retired from Track Days

[Billy10mm]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

This made think of something. My wife has stopped girls nights out, exercising, walking the dog and her own self-care. She feels guilty the few times she goes away to weekend trips with her girlfriends (maybe 2-3 times in 10 years). Maybe the probably is that she's not taking care of herself first and foremost. Maybe she wants me to do that for her.

You guys have ALL been great. I appreciate this!

Why has your wife stopped those things? Mine did as well, almost cold-turkey when we got together. I neither asked nor wanted her to, but she wanted to spend all of her time with me I guess. That was part of the problem; she felt like she was giving "everything" to me but I was giving her less than half of my time (if that). She grew to resent my hobbies.

It took time, but she eventually started going out again. Now Friday night is her regular night with the girls. Out to a movie, or a bar. She feels like she gets her own personal time (and it's great time for me to bond with my little guys, we go out to dinner, stay up late playing with Nerf guns or Legos .. some video games, it's awesome).

I can't tell you if she wants you to do it for her. I tried that. My wife wanted me to take her shopping. My wife by the way, would win Gold in the Olympics if shopping were a sport. It's fairly common and to her, expected, that we would leave the house at 8AM on a Saturday, drive 2.5 hours to this special Outlet mall that has stores she likes, shop till around 9PM, get dinner on the way home, and get home around 1AM. I once made her wait a bit, I wanted lunch local to us first, so we only started the shopping at 2PM and stayed till the mall closed at 10PM. She only gave me "half a day" worth of credit for that one and I had to bring her back the next week so she could finish out her shopping adventure. She was REALLY pissed that she didn't get to go to all the stores she wanted to.

I tried it, I really did. But by the 3rd one of those, with both kids and I in MISERABLE moods, I had enough. Blew up into a fight and I drove home, without her. She had to take 3 trains home and that took almost 7 hours. That was a big turning point for us and that was one of the major events that got us to sit down and really talk things through.

Now she goes by herself and both she and I are happier for it. I'm not miserable and complaining the entire weekend, she is happy to do what she loves, and we don't argue.

[wakespeak]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

This made think of something. My wife has stopped girls nights out, exercising, walking the dog and her own self-care. She feels guilty the few times she goes away to weekend trips with her girlfriends (maybe 2-3 times in 10 years). Maybe the probably is that she's not taking care of herself first and foremost. Maybe she wants me to do that for her.

You guys have ALL been great. I appreciate this!

Seen this. If she gets you to "fix" her life for her then she wins because you will never succeed. She needs to get back in the saddle on her own and stop looking to you as the only thing she can control.

Don't fix her, but do some husband stuff, like arrange for a nice wine country weekend just the two of you. Take the 1LE. The bonus is she can brag about it to her friends. Discuss how the 30s have been an adjustment for you too.

[Camaro Dude]

It's all dem soap operas and Oprah fault.

[fatboy99]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

All, I appreciate all your comments. I really do.

It's ironic, I decided I was spending too much money changing brakes and rotors at the shop so I decided to do it myself thinking the savings would be well appreciated. Not at all!

Instead I was chastised for the time it took to change the brakes on my own. Too much time away from the kids. The first try at any auto project takes time. Subsequent tries are much faster. But learning curve time isn't counted here; the cost trade off was trumped by the time spent.

Mind you I did this to save money and be here with the kids watching me do this and for them to learn the fruits of labor, but my actions were rejected. Seems that the time spent wasn't welcomed.

I gave up biking. And I was "fired" from mowing the lawn. Seems both activities took too much time. And so does my interest in cars.

The two biggest issues couples fight about is time and money. I've lost both of those battles. Repeatedly.

Again, it's ironic because she just bought me a GoProHero3+ and she watched me attempt to install the Quantum ducts.

Worse, I even offered to swap my pads during work hours using vacation time and to go to track days during the week vs weekends when the kids were in school. No dice. My choice of time spent on vacation days was scrutinized and suggested as unfair because the time out of office would have a large impact on family time later having to makeup for lost work hours.

options have hit the brick ys Da any rate I appreciate everyone's therapy . Y s to buy my 1LE. I might be acting a bit dramatic when I say, "hmmm that might not be a bad idea." Nonetheless I don't accept the offer. ;-) Like someone else said, it's better to have the car than not have it and 2015 isn't that far away.

-CRT

Wow man, when you lay it all out there like that it sounds like you're it a pretty shitty situation, and for things to improve get to work cause it's a long road. Track days should be the least of your worries. I've been married 28 yrs so I've got a little expierence. Good luck man on getting it all sorted out.

[Nor Cal ZL1]

Happiness is a personal decision, as well as anger. No matter what you do, if a spouse chooses to be angry with your actions, you have to ask yourself is it justified. A few track days, I think not, but I don't know your personal life other than meeting you at the track a few months back, and you seem pretty cool to me.

Life has so many balances, so it sound like it is time to talk with the wife about the balances she desires. That will help you understand where she is coming from. She in turn needs to understand your balances. Don't treat it as a even bargain, because that always leads to unbalance when one does a little less than the other, sometimes that is all they have to give at that moment, such is life.

My Wife can be a bit demanding....like a drill sergeant at times. My reaction to that is my choice, but I learned to tell her how I feel, with out making her feel responsible, but to instead direction her attention to her approach. Try to avoid YOU make me feel, use I feel. For example ... You make me feel confined and controlled is going to generate a certain predictable reaction. Almost certain to be met with "oh yea....well you make me feel like.......... In this case I let it soak for a bit and later approach it recognizing her needs may be out of balance, as well as mine.

For me the key element is to remember anger is a choice, some may argue that is not correct,but here is an example of a scenario.

Say your on vacation at a nice resort, sitting with your back to the pool. Your dressed up to go out to dinner.
Suddenly you are splashed by some punk in the pool, you blow it off.
I happens again and you feel the anger mounting.
Third time and now your soaked and you dinner wear is ruined.....your pissed now and turn to let it rip.

Except the person is drowning, anger gone you jump in and save them.

Your wife is splashing you. Question is why.

Next time she gets pissed, simply don't respond with any anger at all. Things will change when half of the conflict just responds nicely.

[kansjfr]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

I've taken my older boy. He loved it. Helped change OrangeCrush's tires on his Viper. He was big man wearing the gloves and all. It was actually pretty darn cute.



Todd, I appreciate the comments. Perhaps I've spent too much time with the car and not enough time at the house. And I work a lot. It's 12:50am and I'm just wrapping up my evening work now and I have to leave the house again at 6:00am. Someone here had a good point that she's probably feeling left out.



OK. I won't sell my rig. And good point, with kids you can't do as much as you could w/o them. I no longer bike b/c I got to the point where I'd do 6-8 hour rides and that didn't fit into my lifestyle.



I really appreciate these thoughts. We've had conversations about "devices" and being in the moment. We always try to optimize sleep, except tonight where I'm playing major catchup at work. Your idea of talking about and splitting the chores I think is important and will really work. That's kind of the Sheryl Sandberg LEAN IN thing.




Hmmm ... based on this thread and the feedback given to me I'd say don't sell it!



Kansjfr: what kind of law? I think you're spot on in 2015. When she asked me how much I plan to do I said 2x in '13, 3x in '14, and 4x in '15. I did tell her that I can pause for a couple years b/c my older one will be driving before long and he'll learn to drive at the track for sure. That might have scared her b/c she knows my older son loves cars, watching racing and used to say he wanted to be a race car driver; he grew up with the movie CARS.

I actually do creditor's rights (collections) and some criminal law and juvenile law. I don't know how much law I've learned in my 34 years of practice, but I've learned a helluva lot about human nature, and that's what my reply is based on.

[kansjfr]

Oh yeah, I meant to add, an old law partner of mine, a real religious guy, told me, "I've practiced law for over 50 years and I've learned that there's two things you can't argue with." Me: what's that? Him: "A drunk and a stiff prick." I know this to be true. Maybe that's what happened to you when you agreed to marriage

[Norm Peterson]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

. . . b/c my older one will be driving before long and he'll learn to drive at the track for sure. That might have scared her b/c she knows my older son loves cars, watching racing and used to say he wanted to be a race car driver; he grew up with the movie CARS.

It may take the edge off your wife's concerns if you get him to do a "Street Survival School" and few autocrosses before hitting the big tracks. Never mind that those low risk introductions to performance driving will be a better transition from 'normal' driving to track driving for him.

Introduction to performance driving for new drivers as a safety tool is very much a current topic for me, as my 17 y/o granddaughter got her license only this past Monday. Ran her through a hard braking drill last night, up to and into ABS, just so that when she needs to do that for real the hard braking part of it won't be an unknown new experience.


Norm

[cornerspeed92]

Originally Posted by Norm Peterson

It may take the edge off your wife's concerns if you get him to do a "Street Survival School" and few autocrosses before hitting the big tracks. Never mind that those low risk introductions to performance driving will be a better transition from 'normal' driving to track driving for him.

Introduction to performance driving for new drivers as a safety tool is very much a current topic for me, as my 17 y/o granddaughter got her license only this past Monday. Ran her through a hard braking drill last night, up to and into ABS, just so that when she needs to do that for real the hard braking part of it won't be an unknown new experience.


Norm

Hey Norm, that is a great thing to hear. I think all new drivers should be taught hard braking, hard cornering, acceleration, and for the lucky ones in snow country should have to pass a class on doing donuts (in a controlled environment) to learn absolute car control so as you said, it wont be an unknown new experience.

[Kendall421]

Wow could I chime in on this. I got lucky with my wife. She does not dig the racing, but she tolerated me racing and running race teams for 23 years. I got married in 1990 and started running dirt oval street stocks in 1991...was building my first car when she married me. For the next 17 years I moved up in classes to dirt Late Model and was racing 2-3 nights a week and spending every other evening of the week in the shop working on the race cars. Then my son started racing Quarter Midgets at age 10 and for 7 more years we raced 30+ weekends a year all over the Midwest! So I was married for 23 years and raced the same 23 years! I am still married...but sold the race teams 18 months ago. The wife outlasted the habit and passion! It is tough though.

Now...20/20 hind sight....I missed too much of my kids growing up. Did I have fun? Sure! Won a LOT of races and the years racing QM with my son are priceless. But the 10 years I raced after my kids were born are years I regret. I missed my kids doing so much during those 10 years...and for what? So I could go race cars for a hobby?

The relationship I have with my wife and kids is better today than it has ever been even though my son is in college and daughter in HS. I spend a lot more time with the wife and we enjoy the finer things in life. I still tinker with my Camaro's and will likely do some SCCA solo stuff with my 1LE someday. No rush though...I raced in circles for many years...I am good for now.

All I can say is that those putting stuff with your car ahead of your wife, kids, mad family are DEAD wrong! I used to think that, but got lucky she stuck it out and stuck around. Life is good today ya almost 50 years old. Don't throw family away over a car or track days. You will regret it if you did.

Compromise some...few track days, more family days. Don't miss watching the kids grow up! Be very involved! I was a Cub Scout leader, T-ball coach, Soccer coach, etc. I coached my son and ran his race program for 7 years...lots of time with him. But still regrets in lost time at home with the family many weekends and evenings.

Keep these 4 f's in mind and in this order...Faith, Family, Friends, Finances.

The track will always be there...your family won't always be there!

Good luck my racing kindred spirit! Keep life in check, love your wife and family and don't you be selfish...give them your time, not your car!

Brad Kendall
Www.kendallmotorsports.com

[CrystalRedTintcoat]

Originally Posted by kansjfr

Oh yeah, I meant to add, an old law partner of mine, a real religious guy, told me, "I've practiced law for over 50 years and I've learned that there's two things you can't argue with." Me: what's that? Him: "A drunk and a stiff prick." I know this to be true. Maybe that's what happened to you when you agreed to marriage

Um, I think you just insulted me, right?

[Norm Peterson]

Originally Posted by cornerspeed92

Hey Norm, that is a great thing to hear. I think all new drivers should be taught hard braking, hard cornering, acceleration, and for the lucky ones in snow country should have to pass a class on doing donuts (in a controlled environment) to learn absolute car control so as you said, it wont be an unknown new experience.

She picked the braking part up pretty quickly, which didn't surprise me. That she felt ready to run the tach up quite a ways in the first couple of gears did, at least a little - this being in my 5-speed Maxima. And just because she'd brought up the topic of downshifting earlier in the day, I had her try a few rev matches now knowing what needs to be done. Hell, they didn't even teach that skill in my driver's-ed days, and our D.E. cars actually were manual transmission cars.

Originally Posted by Kendall421

Wow could I chime in on this. I got lucky with my wife.

And I thought I'd been lucky.


Norm

[kansjfr]

Originally Posted by CrystalRedTintcoat

Um, I think you just insulted me, right?

Didn't mean to, sorry. It's just that when we're crazy in love (stiff prick mode), we don't think of things like compatibility. Sorry again if I offended you, was not my intention.

[CrystalRedTintcoat]

Originally Posted by kansjfr

Didn't mean to, sorry. It's just that when we're crazy in love (stiff prick mode), we don't think of things like compatibility. Sorry again if I offended you, was not my intention.

LOL. I thought you were implying something completely different like I was uptight. We are old enough that SPM isn't our normal MO. ;-)