Bachelor Party Blues...

[DroptopZ]

Hey all! I've got some questions that I really need input on. I would talk to my friends, but honestly I don't want their opinion of my fiancee soured by talking about this with them. So, despite my better judgment, I am asking for advice on an internet forum, amongst my Camaro bretheren

I am getting married 1 month from today (and have my bachelor party in 2 weeks). The woman I'm marrying is wonderful and I couldn't be happier with her, but issues have come up surrounding the bachelor party.

A little background: My best friend is a girl, also. There is absolutely no romantic attraction, and we have never dated, hooked up, kissed, etc. We've been friends for years, long before I met my current wife-to-be. She is the best (wo)man at my wedding, and is really like a sister to me. She's always had my back and is pretty $*%@ awesome; I couldn't think of anyone better to stand up there with me and support me to start my life with my bride-to-be.

I also don't hang out with my friend with just us, just out of respect. We work together and sometimes get together in group settings, and my fiancee has met her, hung out with her, etc. She went to the bridal showers, and they get along/have fun. I should also add that I am 30 and not fresh out of high-school Not that it matters, but it gives you some perspective.

Basically, my dad is planning the bacheolor party but it's really important to me to have my best friend there. We're going to a horse-race track, then to a dive bar afterward... so no strippers, no hotel rooms, no crazy stuff... really, pretty tame. My bride's dad and brother-in-law will also be there, so there is absolutely NO funny-business. However, there is a pretty major problem...

My bride-to-be doesn't want my best friend there. In her mind, she thinks that bachelor parties are totally off limits to women, regardless of where we're going, what we're doing, or who is invited. I even told her she could come to the dive-bar afterward and hang out with all of us (and invite her friends if she wants). She's stating that she trusts me, but that people do stupid stuff at bachelor parties and she doesn't want that situation to come up. She also doesn't want people asking questions about whether my best friend and I ever dated, hooked up, etc at the wedding. It seems to be a lot about what people think. I've never cheated, never given her a reason not to trust me... nor would I. I've been hurt bad enough in the past to know never to do that to someone else. It's causing huge rifts and we've been fighting about it for a few days.

I see her side of things, but at the same time I don't want to take a dump on my friend (who, again, has always been there for me and is very excited to be part of this whole fiasco). I understand sacrificing for your partner, and I've given up things that were important to me in the past (being a groomsman for one of my best friends because she didn't want to see me in a tux 2 months before our wedding)... but I feel like she should have my back here. It's not the 1950's anymore... gender stereotypes are changing, and I see no problem with it.

So, any advice? Am I crazy? Is she in the wrong, or am I? Middle ground? Any suggested compromises?

Thanks in advance, guys... sorry for the rant.

[PoorMansCamaro]

gonna have to side with the bride. bachelor party is males only. it's one party, and hopefully your best friend will understand.

[Diode Dynamics]

Originally Posted by Dtrimpi87

Pick your battles. A happy wife makes a happy life. Better learn that now.

+1 to that, I'm sure your best friend will understand your fiancee's view on this and won't be upset. Also, if she's not present, there is no possibility of anything happening.

Although I can understand your view on this and I believe you when you say it's just a friend, you can never know what she is thinking. It may be her last chance to see if there is something there.

I don't think it's worth getting in a pre-marital fight for, just keep things simple, all-dudes and party hard!

Congrats on the wedding!

Nick C.

[arod55]

You have to start on the right foot with your relationship. But speaking about relationships, with my first marriage my ex was very jealous and I never gave her a reason for her to act that way. Relationships are a two way street and speaking from a senior citizen point of view you well want some space when you get married. Having friends is a good thing, my second marriage has worked out for that reason. I play golf twice a week and I go to a lot of car shows and car swap meets without her with no issues. I always get the last word in (Yes honey). Its all about mutual trust.

[irocnroll]

Though this is not the same setup as your wedding, my sister was the best (wo)man at my wedding. She came to the bachelor party. We did a golf tourney and BBQ as well as the casino afterwards. The best man has every right to be there if they are in the wedding party regardless of gender.

[c_LoW29]

Plan a bachelorette party for your wife and send your best friend with her.

[DroptopZ]

Thanks guys. This is giving me some food for though, I suppose. It's just that it hurts me to know my best friend can't be there. It all seems kind of needless, especially since it's in a public place with all of my friends...

It just makes me angry, because it makes me feel like there is some underlying trust issue when I've given her no reason for that. Besides, she says if it was a birthday party or any other event she'd be fine with it... but it's the fact that it's a BACHELOR party. Ugh, this sucks.

[DroptopZ]

Originally Posted by c_LoW29

Plan a bachelorette party for your wife and send your best friend with her.

Would love to, but she already has a bachelorette party going. Still doesn't solve me wanting my buddy at my party.

[CHMSC]

Originally Posted by Dtrimpi87

Pick your battles. A happy wife makes a happy life. Better learn that now.

This ^^^^^^^^

As much as you want her to be there just don't do it. If she is that good of a friend then explain it and she should be cool with it.

[45thAnniversary2SS]

I'd marry the girl that is the best friend. lol, jk.

Seriously though, the best friend sounds like a cool enough girl so I'm sure she will understand the demands from your future wife even though they seem a bit selfish on her part to me.

[Stingr69]

You are wanting to spend the rest of your life with this woman?!? This is all about control. Your bride to be is testing you. You are not winning.

If you want to see where she really stands just "grow a pair" and tell your fiance that your friends (including this woman) and her family will be there. If she feels the need to dictate how you run your life now, imagine how it will be when she has a ring on her finger?!?! If she loves and trusts you, this female friend attending the party will not derail the wedding. If it does derail the wedding, you just saved yourself from a lot of grief and frustration.

On the other hand, some guys are OK with handing their wife their balls to keep in her purse. That doesn't work for me anymore. Been there, left that.

Not trying to be mean, just trying to put a different perspective on this.

-Mark.

[strych9]

Originally Posted by Stingr69

You are wanting to spend the rest of your life with this woman?!? This is all about control. Your bride to be is testing you. You are not winning.

If you want to see where she really stands just "grow a pair" and tell your fiance that your friends (including this woman) and her family will be there. If she feels the need to dictate how you run your life now, imagine how it will be when she has a ring on her finger?!?! If she loves and trusts you, this female friend attending the party will not derail the wedding. If it does derail the wedding, you just saved yourself from a lot of grief and frustration.

On the other hand, some guys are OK with handing their wife their balls to keep in her purse. That doesn't work for me anymore. Been there, left that.

Not trying to be mean, just trying to put a different perspective on this.

-Mark.

I actually agree with this. Boundaries need to be set up early. This is (what appears to be) your best friend, for a gender-neutral event. She should be there to support you. If your future wife can't wholly accept your best friend in any capacity, maybe this future marriage is due a review. You give this up now, you'll never get it back.

Been there, done that. Never again.

[PoorMansCamaro]

Originally Posted by strych9

I actually agree with this. Boundaries need to be set up early. This is (what appears to be) your best friend, for a gender-neutral event. She should be there to support you. If your future wife can't wholly accept your best friend in any capacity, maybe this future marriage is due a review. You give this up now, you'll never get it back.

Been there, done that. Never again.

not sure how a bachelor party is gender neutral. lol it's about as far as gender neutral as a party/get together gets. I mean, by definition, a bachelor party is for a man, who is about to get married, and attended by men only.

if there are other females that will be at your bachelor party, then yes, she should be able to attend. but then, I wouldn't really call that a bachelor party. if she's the only, then that's a little odd. I don't care who you are.

[hrpiii]

Originally Posted by DroptopZ

Thanks guys. This is giving me some food for though, I suppose. It's just that it hurts me to know my best friend can't be there.

From your descriptions, she has partied and had her time with you. Missing this one event shouldn't impact that friendship and she "should" be understanding your future wifes request.

Let it go and everyone can be happy. As said before, this feels like something you should 'battle' for, but step back, take a breathe and realize that it is NOT.

Congrats!